Not Buy-in nor Sell-out

This is the most terrifying thing i have ever written none the less shared.... 

Also, i hate having to push/publish these things... 

they are the most personal bits of rubbish i "own" 

but if not here i will only loose them...

Not Buy-in nor Not Sell-out

I'm kindly cold hearted, Is that how all this started? Where were innocence and I parted?

Dimly aware of my own distant air. My anti-social Affairs are w/ absolutely no one.

pre-preparing all my fun, I'm afraid of what makes me young.

From the world, I'm still hiding all I've done. 

7 years old: yet he still stole my sole and so very much of my sanity. Vaguely maybe might have added to my vanity. YES! A desk! That is me @ my best. With a pen I joke and I jest. I'm but merely blest all while I poke fun @ my feeling due to his awful dealings. 

Between these lines in my mind i find a time... where Mother's little Candid Concubine

Was wired entirely and evilly entwined. My entirety never had he much defined.

but my best, my beauty, I boast He never could buy in. You may never buy-in. 
Cuz I'm not buyin it!

Now when I kiss boys my heads makes this small noise. Jerks me back, beginning at my nose. For a reason no one really knows. I try and deny when my shy shows. But below it grows eventually explodes when pried by their trying eyes. I feel the judgement thru there lies. 

They'll never be content with my contradiction. Made up of friction and a fictional depiction of a "Dad's" illegitimate un-defined reflection. That might be why inside the mirror i fear the unclear. It's never shows what I hold dear. notice how it's never in the near. 

Between these lines in my mind i find a time... where Mother's little Candid Concubine

Was wired entirely and evilly entwined. My entirety never had he much defined.

but my best, my beauty, I boast He never could buy in. You may never buy-in. 

Cuz I'm not buyin it!

If I was well (and well I'm not) would I be eager to sell all that I got. He once brought us/bought us heaven. Yet, I'd never want to wish him hell (in fact I wish well). There's still no way to tell of the silent cells I dwell. No dollar amount can amount to how much I'm bound to- It affects me still those moments around you.

You once seized me but that's no more. I awake askew tangled about on the floor. Now my body it substitutes for the lack of your abuse. Now I don't get to choose.   A nearly new voice is in use as a disabuse for all that you have put me thru. Fostered in Hospital suits, scrutinized by strangers all in white suits. My diagnosis is a mind's mute and a bliss to the blinding of my life's truth