Most the degenerates of my generation could probably boast one characteristic over all: (besides or need to be special) WE ARE CREATORS!!!! We millenials (Y) and our younger counterparts of generation Z create web content faster than the common cold could wipe out what’s left of the person with a low blood count (and in all honesty with a growth rate only that kind of epidemics sees)!
Myself; I am JUST A CREATOR! That used to be my only Goal/Joy in life ( and i was surely quiet as i could be about it)! Till the day I moved away from my state paid placement and woke up one day my own provider!
As a youngster I never thought any thing of the statues and masks, the plays, the story books, the neighborhood common kid sideshow (worth a penny of course) or my many many upon thousands of pages and leaflets and whole ringed sketchbooks filled from cover and cover (plus some fun dumb stuff cluttering the outerside! The day just didn’t seem complete with out some kind of “creating”....
But I was an off beat, odd and straight up “alien” then, especially at the start of school ( i now know i REALLY don’t like being told what and how to think ). I would only participate in class, for tests and, yes: the always beloved CLASS PROJECT.... hey why not I was creating after all.
Still it never seem to last that faint quickly fading feeling; I now know isn’t proud.... but motherly. “I made that” I’d say to my self; then I’d always go find someone else to make sure my “baby” was worth parenting.... and i must have been a lonely kid because I would get “OH.... That’s Amazing! I can’t do that!... You know something you have great potential KID”.
Would you believe me if I insisted that these little pieces of me, people seemed to be very pleased with made me feel complete? I’d call BS too! AND if potential is all they see instead of what’s presently in person: ME! So, I stopped running off to get mom, or her someone or her (still very young) friends to sell me a ridiculous theory of this “potential greatness”! Nope, i just would not believe it. So I kept creating, playing out parts of me in the art coming out of me (you know that is kinda hard... really hard for someone as far out on the autistic’s spectrum to do in spoken word).
All this leads up to one earth day. 4th grade. The school district paid and gave away saplings to each student in our county (they must of had big bucks: same county was the first in the country to pay for every 8th grader to take the PSATs). Well, something extreme happened to me that day: one that was the first and only every sapling I have ever seen (well I mean except the other several hundred in the hands of other school kids as the day ended; but you know “I only had eyes” for mine (lol). and two: i was able to help create something that would continue to create without me! And all the way up until I moved, four years later, somehow I stayed rooted to him: my sapling. My “baby” that gave me hope each day as I watched him grow to be taller than me!
Well as anyone presently knows: Somewhow I’m very less than well endowed when it comes time to sew, grow or even keep alive. I’ve tried over and over and over. But I still remember my tree! Not something I could would someday do once I had grown: NO! I gave to this world and watched it grow and show me my real “creations” where just waiting to give back! and didn’t need me to act to prove for a fact, and i didn’t have to wait for proof neither. It wasn’t in the show it was the minute i had given him (my sappling) something last and let him live; did i finally found more than just faint glimpses wholeness but instead it fed me the feelings I need to thrive in a cruel world that would of and sure could of turned me out inside out, into a calous cold and uncaring cloud of LOUD unsaid negativity. I had made a mark and in my heart I knew no one would ever know it like I had..... BUT THIS IS ALL IN THE PAST
Up to this very day: I still haven’t encountered any other saplings, but somethings amazing happened today: We bought a tree to BE here at the house. Now all i have to hone in on is: If she (Mims, I named her) wants this earth as her home or the pot she now sits in.... hmm, I’ll have to ask her!
And with all that I’ve shared to build up how much this means to me; It’s still just seems a far of dream that somehow drained from memory into reality! How can I relate how Human it makes me feel to know that reality’s mine and now I’m growing it....(finally!)
p.s. around a year has passed since I had “planted” a “seed” of things I need, I’d say it’s the only “spell” i have ever casted (it last a week). At a time of a real mean weakness and believe this... everything I reaped is starting to sow!!
