LIKE I CANT READ MOST EVERYONE LIKE A BOOK!!

I wish I knew how to explain to everyone that I'm their side, That I'm going to try my hardest (even if it hurts me) to hurt them the least bit possible. I'm tired of explaining myself. Of giving all of my self that wont even give them self that much. I have relapsed into my doodling and reading: hiding from reality the best way i know how. Even as I produce and influence daily I still feel hollow and desperate for my own self approval. People keep telling me that "They know what I'm doing; you don't have to pretend to be happy". I never thought i was pretending before unless I was actually putting a conscious effort forth. Fuck, I was happy in foster care, even in the most tiniest of ways. So how could people assume im not happy now? do you think it's possible to be frustrated but ultimately happy at the same time? Why do people keep lying to me and themselves and the world? right in front of me? LIKE I CANT READ MOST EVERYONE LIKE A BOOK!!

and all of this would usual stay in my head but the hunger games book series is filling me with new belief in my own words ultimately empowering my action and myself....

ichingonline.net

You are about to experience a rebirth -- about to be given another chance, a new lease on life.
You have persevered, gone the distance through an entire cycle -- through the Spring of hope or new passion, through a Summer of growth and building, only to be sacrificed like the archetypal Harvest King at the Autumn reaping.
You lie dormant like seed beneath Winter snows now, healing and absorbing new energies in preparation for the new young Spring coming shortly to your life.

a play of sorts

So last night was a play of sorts, we will call "season of Venus":

Ari- Percephonie
Eros- Cupid (or Eros)
Charity- Cezara
Daltin- Some Meto... something Phat..... egyptian god with a beek
Myself- Cleopatra


     COMING SOON...... FULL SPECTRUM COLOR PHOTOS OF THIS EPICNESS!!

Love Left to Last

 

Thoughts that taunt the 

nights we'd touch (in) mid dark...

Seriously seeking (while he would be spleeping) 

for something seemed a spark, Or rather

a rare flicker? Sex should simply

be simpler!

Impulse Induced: Indulgance

in an instant. Yet still I insist:

"could it be this quick?"

Start: Entrance/ In trance...

Again I'm in this dance.

Surely secured sustenance;

Gone away to this Lonliness.

Now all I have is Hope of a chance.

"Is this?"...oops... gone in a glance.

This second, your presense is 

present; Readily it's replaced

for a place in my past (as good

as steady) Please, teddy, a bit

longer. A tad stronger...

Learning a Love left to Last!

fucking face book

A game of tag and catchup.... (suesical)

   We're starting last to first.... PIMACOUNTY MAPGUIDE MAP.... if like me you want to know where your turds go, who cleans the plumping and your pay pays the bill in tucson now you can do it at the convience of seneroy killing patterns lines depths dops and titles... lol! 

  I have been searching for this map for a year straight after a wyrd turn of events in the ealry eve of interwebbing i happened acrossed this treasure trove! enjoy im making this a tab on GoogleQween home page!



NEXT i hate hate hate HATE LOATH ENTIRELY THIS WHOLE OLD MAC NEW FLASH PLAYER BUT opps sorry tooo lazy to linger on LOUD LETTERS! continuing on- no one seems to care or have a solution ... COME on techno geeksters where is your groove. I wish i had to gear to solve this delema but due to dire situation and a DRAMATIC change in EVERYTHING i have succommed to a "google-machine"  . nice. sweet. simple. sweet mother of all things good it has to happen!

unfortunately i have not the attention span to find the first of where i last left off so, sorry to leave you left with wanting (suesical)

omg omg omg they updated....... =p

Bullshit Called

I'm pushed over until I put out
can't get up the guts to say "get out"
decided I'm done digging out
that fictional friend thought I knew
from underneath your freak filled screws

When our lips met I'd regret
as mental headlights met my mind
Suddenly searching for a not so suddle side line
{salvasion from this sight I never find}
look anywhere but into evasive eyes
you know what and why disguised; you buy time in your despise

Self persuased toward a psuedo-stability
but lying to yourself won't purvey the possiblity
possibly thyis was provided by my own insecurity...
more likely I lied for you lust-sicken personailty
you say: my minifestation in hesitation I think it's years of self denying
so read between my lies & start believing your own eyes
take bake those self loathing sulk-loaded replies
that kept me inept swept under your thumb
If this never started I should have to announce I'm done
I guess I'll press on, unimpressed, where I begun

An Unseen Thing

a can-be rapper like a candy wrapper only holds the goodness inside 
but if this can be rapper could just unleash herself 
she'd just simply set her differences a side 
yet i don't know as much as i'd might like but if i go on forever I'll just hide
I got a lot to share, some scars to bare and to stop before start just isn't fair 
I feel it's not near nor far but to catch a star seems something to fall in between 


It's an Unseen thing It's what you bring and what they take 
make no mistake even if your fake each of you holds a small part of me 
holding on to what i see It's hard to find your hearts degree in the full scheme of things 


I can be contained: a nut in a shell
You'd rather break me out eat me up: YOU MIGHT AS WELL!
can't be picked up unless you've fell and I'd rather point to heaven while standing next to hell
You've had enough lecturing, wanna wake u up: a school bell 
If i could touch just one soul you could tell 

It's an Unseen thing It's what you bring and what they take 

make no mistake even if your fake each of you holds a small part of me 

holding on to what i see It's hard to find your hearts degree in the full scheme of things

I've been alone with these words for way too long and all i want is someone to smile at my song 

or maybe you might just sing along This can't be wrong....

IT CAN'T BE if i'm trying this hard but briefly my life seems bared 

gypsies dont do well behind stone walls but that freedom alone for me it calls....

It's an Unseen thing It's what you bring and what they take 

make no mistake even if your fake each of you holds a small part of me 

holding on to what i see It's hard to find your hearts degree in the full scheme of things

I wish there were haters for me to love because they bring opinions of I well thought of 

I guess i get nothing and all i need is a shove 

to get me from way down here to somewhere up above Someday ill be soaring singing like a dove 

What do i got to prove I'm being me  When I got so much of a history so just google it

It ain't no mystery: Buckingham case/Pocono Record. Press: it must be adore or more abhored

I made my choice and had no voice for close to 6 years 

i lived in inflicted fears and shed many thick tears

slammed many fix-it beers

Now somehow i wanna scream it out not just blurt it out but what it's all about 
not like it was done before 

close a window, open a door 
onto a new cold floor and maybe make this space just a bit more

It's an Unseen thing It's what you bring and what they take 

make no mistake even if your fake each of you holds a small part of me 

holding on to what i see It's hard to find your hearts degree in the full scheme of things

yesterday... (don't like it yet)

back in the attic of your addicted mind
there is a place so pure i want to find
but i could never call it mine, it was always her day
not a place for me to stay
no room for me to play
but honestly i'd pay to go back with you
into yesterday

in my memory love has frayed
and like the thread it fades away
landing on any island loves cast away
my hide away is in your today
love was such a easy thing to say
now i see it all as grey

counting on you seems to cliche
but tomorrow it will be through
and your crutch went astray
anyway you were my pathway
i'd be thinking of us and yesterday

Notes: hill Billy Bo, Endless Pursuit, Hopheads and Rehab @ The Rock

key:

my thought

peoples talk 

personal shit 

Hill billy bo:
" The great great grandfather of Hill billy Bo & the great great grandmother of rehab is both Danielle Boone" i just realized this doesn't make any sense! They had a damn different sound than what i had expected. When i asked for a second or even third opinion i was told South West Rock, Crossover and other. I consider them hardcore souls with country lives. 
Outside i talked to Bo about if i had the chance to see Rehab for five seconds what i would say. It wasn't that thrilling of a conversation but the chit chat afterward was bomb.


Endless Pursuit:
At first glance you might have assumed them Ska, at second glance you'd think your assumptions where correct and at third glance you would take it all in and realize this band was a bit "crossover" (as my "date" would like to say). On the spectrum i believe they would fall closer to punk. I don't like Ska much but i enjoyed them. They had plastic see-thru guard things around two mic stands. Which included two sticky notes : 
"LIKE US..." 
"on Facebook" (damn Facebook is taking over the world). 


HopHeads:
Going of the pre conceived notion that Bryan Tuckers solo stuff i had seen about a week before at the breakfast club would be anything like his band's stuff, my thoughts exactly where "they have to be good". My assumption wasn't wrong but it was right either. They sounded nothing like Bryan's own individual stuff. Country-Punk at its best... That's of course if i have ever known any (and maybe barely skimming rock a billy) ! The one sound i picked out the cumulation of sound was the bassists' guitar like sound and how well he and the guitarist's sound was so well matched (it was almost hard to pick out.... thank god i was less than a foot away)
The Hopheads had a tight "music" bond which is distinguishable from the normal "family like" bond (cuz even family can sound horrible). They connected thru their music without trying to hard to do so.
Bryan was yet again wearing what i now know to be his "signature" hat (that i can recognize from a mile away). Even though i kept hearing their name (i have a lot of Ska loving Friends) I didn't expect them to be so hoppy.
They told this story: This is about how Yuma got it's name. back in the gun slinging, shoot up days. Two men are sitting in a pub. One says "It looks like this town is gonna stick around for a while, what should we name it". The other man says "Who ever dies first today we'll use their last words" So at high noon someone got shot and his last words were "You ma-"!


Rehab:
in between bands i went outside for fresh air and to find my fellow drunkards. THANK THE SKY BOSS for FROG's TIP OFF because he pointed to the group of people i just pasted (with absolutely no hint of interest) and told me it was rehab. I talked to them long enough to insult them and ask a few questions. I hope i made amends but i'm not promising anything. You see i've never spoke with someone with a deep georgia accent and i didn't believe it was real (THANK YOU ANY ASSHOLE OUT THERE THAT HAS FUCK WITH THIS NEW GIRL... i blame you for my untrusting behavior).
*have all of you stayed sober since together?
  "Some have some haven't"
*is that the truth? (let's just add some more insult Kat)
"Always, why would i lie?" 
*What do u think of tucson?
"The UofA is a crazy university, especially those cheerleaders"(this made me laugh and say bye) 
They started off with an acoustic set. It's was like going to church in a cathedral. Looking up and hearing this angelic sound while looking around and realizing we (the people) all had this deep connection to something more than just ourselves. They where the preachers and we where their congregations.... can i get an amen??
For their real Rehab set i was standing next to Kira who was wearing a shirt which read "I ♥ Rehab" i found this both amusing and ironic. You should have seen the shine in their eyes as they saw Rehab play. Like children on Xmas morning looking at their beautiful present under the tree. The stage rumbled with this bass that could kill a small animal, so i kept my hand on stage just to gauge. i couldn't feel my hand after awhile. One song in particular was based off a Billy Carlson song "beer drinking song" and they played their version. Eventually, even though the show rocked, the bass flooded my senses and i had to flee for a not so "moving" performance. ( i wish i brought my ear plugs). Nearing the end fans where singing along to every word and calling out requests ( and im not talking one song over and over: That's just annoying! There where at least 5 different distinct song titles).






FYI The magical part about this show is it's almost a year since i have been off drugs. While i was in my own personal rehab i was listening to rehab. This show kinda was my present to myself for how strong i have been during this whole thing and am still being. Also the coincidences that happened in the days before this show made me seek out a friend i was too embarrassed to find before. I really want to say thank you to anyone that has been here for me and helped me stay strong. THANK YOU i couldn't have done it without you guys. Now if only i could these damn rumors to go away =]

THIS ONE SEEMS EVIL TO PUT ONLINE... but i might be a lil evil ^o.o^

Katrina,
   your my motivation towards an actually deicent life. We tried at first but mercy cried. I got put away, and you made your dash, but I am out now tryin to gather the trash. Im set up now to get you back. and take care of you in the spots that i lacked. feed, clothe you. a roof over your head. I promise this time ill do my best, no bullshit just crazy old kat -n- matt. Only this time we aint pulling no crazy shit out this hat. our relationship will thrive in magical ways. Feeling satisfied that we work and play. But only in moderation cause our goals will not sway. you will accomplish the most incredible things. With a solid man there cleaning your wings.....  

if only, if only

arivaca poems= ....very personal...

@ first you could have said dirt was crack

& it didnt matter I still would have had your back

There was a day we lost control & jumped a fence

I watched u cry for your mother's amence

you grabbed hold of my wrist (asked)

if i knew what this means

like secrets could hide harder

than it all seems

i told you all the things

that i had accured in my dreams

shortly after we undressed

you said your body is a fortress

& when you allowed me access

we became an imortal mess

i stared to type this went for your page and you finally talked to me.... finally. even if this ends up being a trap and least i got you to say hi just this once. I am pathetically in love with you. =[ 

arivaca poems=Allergic to greatness....

Allergic to greatness or that's how it seems
When i get too close i get the skeevez
I cry, i moan, i beg and i pleazez
Im just too afraid to find the right reason to be just me...


When i loose my cool, when i loose my temper
It never goes out it goes back to the center
it sits & chills, rots & it festers
It boils over once a year in december


Lost and confused for all the right reasons
I say im confused because i can't count the seasons
that march it was winter
that summer was spring
but who watch over shuch trite little things


could i pick up my pants & started those poses
or do i lie along the road with the roses
chose the right choices because i could have chose them


im mearly messed up, a hypocrite
and everything else in spite of it

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