I just want to succeed

Just found out -just now I'm still broke-n somehow

I buckled at the knees in dust sunken bow

Bound to honor something stronger feel that pow-

Er.. I'm the her in gentlemen only love I sent to them

Again I pray for the day so they will now that when

Bow to round roll tho I don't like to show a bend

Earth leaks laughs it's daft dull-y play pretend

Wish I was mended could condemn  what's in my head

Some reads what's red or in between instead

By and by Ill only lie or bow into bed

Cry that cry but I'm alive mine the cred

I just want to succeed 

I don't got the greed

I don't want to bleed

I'm so not a fiend 

I just need to feed me 

I just want to succeed 

I still see a loser when I'm looking in the mirror

I think I'm winning but what's won is not so clear

My innocence has kept me a darling dear

I can pretend not to be in startling fear

Success can't pass that test, I do my best

But just leave a mess, a scattered nest

A tattered bless- ing loving how I lose I am confess

-ing. That's my thing! 

Maybe I'm still flirting with my real life inside preteen

And the meaning of everything in her dreams

And dealing with her inner mean queen 

And before long you hear where have u been?

 " 

Aliens and weather controL:

Last night my boyfriend and i watched a lightning storm rage over the mountains to the south west.  I think the aliens will make contact on a full scale in two days... i think it all might be connected. The big story though is the storms tonight! there is a perfectly circular storm.... over every major city in the united states; all happening right now! take a look!

insance with that happiness within

there this once upon a time
where you where the only reason i could find
but why that i rhymned well you where totally blind
You thought for some reason i was pressing rewind
when really my ptroblems where yet in sideline
very real in my life in my mind
and the only sactuary i could find

laid brhind your frame
holding onto something
barley had it came
folded into my grin
and only you where to blame
for an insance with that happiness within

fix it what had already broke
and what is breaking; it was no joke
and you thought i was faking
in my shoes you'd never entertake in
silence i can't sleep at stake when
i would you you around after i awaken
but my sadness is not your sin


laid brhind your frame
holding onto something
barley had it came
folded into my grin
and only you where to blame
for an insance with that happiness within

NO WONDER

i fell in love with hunger
and i had a crush on wonder
but but what we had-
was like what father has with mother
and its no longer because blunders
how curious it feels as you go under cover
how can i call you an ex lover
everyone can say they saw; it's NO wonDER NO WONDER


lack the nack to see past your past
and with that our flame turned ash
for something so slow it happened so fast
and i  believe we both were too rash
confussed by your mass cast


i fell in love with hunger
and i had a crush on wonder
but but what we had-
was like what father has with mother
and its no longer because blunders
how curious it feels as you go under cover
how can i call you an ex lover
everyone can say they saw; it's NO wonDER NO WONDER

Timeless Eternity

1,100 words.... but charlie is sick... so here's a sneak peak enjoy!

Timeless Eternity

by Keara Fey    {my pen name}

---

Part One: Part 1

Chapter One

Din

Silence, all she wanted was some sweet sweet silence. It seemed to Emi that this din would never die. Sitting, with her legs drawn close to heart, in a stall of the girls lavatory. The Florescent lights flicker frantically as her attention is forced in the direction of the bathroom door being open. Quite as stale air, Emi tried to wipe away excess snot without a sound. "Don't find me, I'm not here" Emi thought as loud as she could like that could effect the outcome. 

A gaggle of giggling girls push into the small rust colored bathroom. "Did you hear that Emi girl beat up a boy again?" The comment caught Emi off guard, and listened harder. "Yeah, I saw it... She really hurt him this time"the words found her ear; followed closely by  "She kinda scares me... What? I'm not scared she'll hurt me, I just think she is different and creepy". The murmurs muddled as the mob moved into the hallway. 

Following the rest of what was left of the sound, Emi's hand slipped. Landing her face first into the porcelain. "Owww" Emi yells at the toilet "stupid seat" slapping the seat cover sending surges of even more pain up her arm. Pulling her arm back a bit too far back she whacks her elbow on the door, busting it open and tripped backwards; all in a few un-graceful seconds. 

For a few minutes, while laying in the untold grossness of the off green bathroom tiles, Emi could make out what she thought was a cat-boy. As sudden as the sight was, she shook it out of her head faster. "I don't need to add crazy to my resume" she giggled to herself. Pulling herself up, pushing out the door and purveying the empty halls for the avoided adult figures.  Maneuvering through the masses. Emi left the school grounds and entered what she assumed would be some safety from the gossipy teachers. 

#

With such a swelled ego around her daughter, Ann easily assumed that Emi had just recently gotten away with something. "So how was school?" she said in that sing-song way. Ann was mostly happy most of the time but when she wasn't Emi noticed her mother seemed like she had never seen happiness in her whole life. It often annoyed Emi that her mother was so positive. She wondered if she knew what the town's people said about her. Did she know she was the town's joke? 

"Fine" emi finally pulled off responding through her daze. "Just fine, Emilia?" the interrogation was initiated, in spite of the great stealth Emi had taken to hide the ever more purple bruise right below her brow. "Yeah, it was great: preppy girls, over controlling teachers and crappy food... just a common day, mom". "Well if that is all... Oh well at least you only have to be there during the day. If you lived in England you would be sent off to live at school...oh...what..torture" anne said in a chuckle causing Emi's frustration to send her fleeing to her room.

Sunk into her bed, Emi sighs away that slight-tight tear like feeling behind her eyes. She slowly drifted off to the humming of her mother and the smell of some "great" meal swirling all around her head.

---

Chapter Two

Deceptions are Deserving

Like a shake awake from a sweet deep sleep; Emi had no idea what was going on. "Am I falling? Or floating? Am I still dreaming?" Emi finally either found or forged the courage to open her eyes. The only real explanation available of what she was seeing was all around her blurred pictures as she passed them fast. The second that she saw it, it stopped. Hitting her hinney hard off a damp yet stiff ground. 

Haunting scenes rush back to Emi (that is if they had ever really been there to begin with). The actuality of her memories were un-believeable; meaning she didn't believe them: not a bit. She sat in the spot she was dropped, remembering a black and white TV land like reality . "I must be crazy" the sentence slipped from her mouth as she saw her mom turn into a soulless carcass right out of reach of where her memory would take her. 

For the first time she lost her interest in these impossible day-dreams she must be having and focused on her where-abouts. No light could be seen between the thickness of the woods that surround her. Compared to her recent color absent thoughts, this place popped with vivid beautiful tones. "Yep, I have lost it" Emi saw no reason to not talk to herself seeing as she was now insane. 

Attracted like a magnet, Emi drew in closer to the most awe inspiring thing she was sure she had ever seen. In all honesty, It was a mire flower found in a clearing of the tangled trees. As the intensity of the flower powered over Emi, an interesting thing began to happen: It bloomed before her. Beyond any knowledge of magic and logic known to the young girl. By the time the flower opened, Emi would have been more than pleased with only the sight but between the pedals laid a shiny drop... "What could this be?...". 

Pinched between her forefinger and thumb was seized a simple pale whit pearl necklace. Emi was over taken by a flood of emotion. First sad at some one's loss of the pearl, then appreciative, finally staying at a weird paranoia of someone else's prying eyes on "her" pearl. She placed it around her neck and hid it securely beneath her blouse. Even going as far as peaking behind her shoulder (just in case). 

#

Emi tried to see thru the darkness the wood had in mid day. She couldn't make out where she managed to fall from. She settled on doing exactly opposite of what her mother had taught her: "stay put and wait to be found... do you here me?", setting off toward a shard of sunlight. Until she stepped out of the deep dark and dense, and out into what she perceived as the Loony bin they must have sent her. She was halted right then and there by the singing that sprawled outward from this small gingerbread looking town. Turning even more terrifying with every turn, Emi decided she would take all of this in. 

One by one she pretended these people where normal. She calmly explained each time and with every "peppy" person came the same response "But, why would you want to leave this place?" She had once dismissed the idea of a Disney land destination; After the peppy song these people sang, Emi swore she could handle any poor soul in costume.

---

Chapter Three

Doing Only Good

Chapter Four

Denail and Doorways

Chapter Five

Dense deffense

Chapter Six

Deffening Silence

Chapter Seven

Discover the Differences

Part Two: Part 2

Chapter Eight

Curious Confusion

Chapter Nine

Caught and Cut off

Chapter Ten

cackling Cage  

Chapter Eleven

Clear the Causes

Chapter Twelve

Cleared and Calculated

Part Three: Part 3

Chapter Thirteen

Bout to bound

Chapter Fourteen

Between Better and Bruised 

Chapter Fifteen

Blind to the babble

Chapter Sixteen

Battle, Bands and "Brotherhood"

<<<<>>>>

Babes to blog about...

So im sitting in a room where two one digit midgets {did you get it?} tell me that they have facebook... i went NOT_UH O.O... it really shouldn't be that surprising really. If AOL wasn't dial up when i was 9 fuck I would have had an AIM_NAME too..... but they topped themselves when they told me 1. they claim to be 26 years old and 2. they have a 4 YEAR OLD niece that is also connected...

---

IN 2008 i wrote a 10 page research assignment that i can't remember what it was called for the life of me but, the point is the question i wished to answer was whether or not children are getting Lazier or Smarter because of technology... 10 Page paper, 15 sites sited, 2 books, and a youtube video.

---

BEST PART it SURPASSED all my Predictions =} 

The out come wasn't either but it wasn't neither neither (pronounced in my mind as nither neether... lol)! It was both.... 

Because from either birth or a very early age (ever since GENERATION X) we where handed and taught to handle technological resources around us, so in return we have become lazy... or maybe we're smarter for mastering said resources? The monks of the first colleges would be out raged by Mass printed material in modern libraries just as the old farts today bitch about us being lazy... muhahahahah...

Myspace music on iPad makes me mental :/

Sooooo no flash
Para el IPad a la mi Chico menor.... Muhahahaha

Somehow You I'd hear again!!

Random babbles

there's a lock box inside you and you get to chose if any/all the real shit really gets used. Reluctantcies redily rely on reuse. confuse yourself into playing on your own facking. Are those miracles or just music your making. I beg that one day this disillusion disappears. not knowing the nussence with blessed beers and mirrors. what if they take it unclear? For sake it. undear. My, what can I say to make this life endeared? To not live in fear of the forcoming future. 

YOUR GAME, YOUR RULES

Your game, your rules. Ain't my ruling to be doing any dueling. How am i to describe a game i don't know the rules too? Are you gonna keep me benched or put me on the floor, fool? It's this round is between no one but you and you. What am I to do? Wait... watch... effortlessly? While you go around confessing and they'll go on just guessing I made a clingy mess of things? Please could you put reluctances's to rest. You guided me to rhyme and reason, that at best 


i so want to share the changing on the seasons, as in what you "sees in" me. Never was i meant for your team yet, your training was still straining on the hobby turned to habit. Found a habit of just rapping. Stringing these lines are fine: time passin... but at the pace I'll fly by laughing. close to that stage it ain't enough. Cuz it is the closest I've came to finding love. In the words, in the lines, in the notes, in the chords... every sound you make:  my salvation is restored.


Funny what still gets to me/ is that your the epitome/ of anything i aspire to be. From this face painted mirror/ I wish I wouldn't feel that fear of a superficial superior. It's okay It should just be ignored.forlorn! 


I don't mean to be mean but it seemed as my means where your one excuse to keep me off the team. 
So now i got to choose between calling a truce or in waiting for what's left of me to prove.


Does it bring you pain or perhaps pleasure, that in my brain I've taken every measure
to not be not even mildly excited. I tried desperately to hide it. But why and try to deny if you all have me so distinctly defined? 
Maybe when you find your wealth and you find a well track, you might take a moment to fondly look back on me merely just a memory. really looking to be redemptory. In compassion did she lack? No, just common sense. hence lesson that I'm retesting of the games that I'm messing in. 


New to the rules? Well, the players are your weapons. In this game of rap it's not your call, your just the ball and it's up to your friend and your fans to make that call on whether or not you'll reach your goal. I guess, when the ball was in my court i came up a bit too short. Carelessly despite my agility I let it slip from me. But I'm not selfish see. I'll stand where i am with my hand hiding the sun ray. Pleased to be passed as I see everyone else play. I'm sold and I'm set willing to wage a bet; that one of these days ball will find that net.

Not Buy-in nor Sell-out

This is the most terrifying thing i have ever written none the less shared.... 

Also, i hate having to push/publish these things... 

they are the most personal bits of rubbish i "own" 

but if not here i will only loose them...

Not Buy-in nor Not Sell-out

I'm kindly cold hearted, Is that how all this started? Where were innocence and I parted?

Dimly aware of my own distant air. My anti-social Affairs are w/ absolutely no one.

pre-preparing all my fun, I'm afraid of what makes me young.

From the world, I'm still hiding all I've done. 

7 years old: yet he still stole my sole and so very much of my sanity. Vaguely maybe might have added to my vanity. YES! A desk! That is me @ my best. With a pen I joke and I jest. I'm but merely blest all while I poke fun @ my feeling due to his awful dealings. 

Between these lines in my mind i find a time... where Mother's little Candid Concubine

Was wired entirely and evilly entwined. My entirety never had he much defined.

but my best, my beauty, I boast He never could buy in. You may never buy-in. 
Cuz I'm not buyin it!

Now when I kiss boys my heads makes this small noise. Jerks me back, beginning at my nose. For a reason no one really knows. I try and deny when my shy shows. But below it grows eventually explodes when pried by their trying eyes. I feel the judgement thru there lies. 

They'll never be content with my contradiction. Made up of friction and a fictional depiction of a "Dad's" illegitimate un-defined reflection. That might be why inside the mirror i fear the unclear. It's never shows what I hold dear. notice how it's never in the near. 

Between these lines in my mind i find a time... where Mother's little Candid Concubine

Was wired entirely and evilly entwined. My entirety never had he much defined.

but my best, my beauty, I boast He never could buy in. You may never buy-in. 

Cuz I'm not buyin it!

If I was well (and well I'm not) would I be eager to sell all that I got. He once brought us/bought us heaven. Yet, I'd never want to wish him hell (in fact I wish well). There's still no way to tell of the silent cells I dwell. No dollar amount can amount to how much I'm bound to- It affects me still those moments around you.

You once seized me but that's no more. I awake askew tangled about on the floor. Now my body it substitutes for the lack of your abuse. Now I don't get to choose.   A nearly new voice is in use as a disabuse for all that you have put me thru. Fostered in Hospital suits, scrutinized by strangers all in white suits. My diagnosis is a mind's mute and a bliss to the blinding of my life's truth

An Unseen Thing

a can-be rapper like a candy wrapper only holds the goodness inside 
but if this can be rapper could just unleash herself 
she'd just simply set her differences a side 
yet i don't know as much as i'd might like but if i go on forever I'll just hide
I got a lot to share, some scars to bare and to stop before start just isn't fair 
I feel it's not near nor far but to catch a star seems something to fall in between 


It's an Unseen thing It's what you bring and what they take 
make no mistake even if your fake each of you holds a small part of me 
holding on to what i see It's hard to find your hearts degree in the full scheme of things 


I can be contained: a nut in a shell
You'd rather break me out eat me up: YOU MIGHT AS WELL!
can't be picked up unless you've fell and I'd rather point to heaven while standing next to hell
You've had enough lecturing, wanna wake u up: a school bell 
If i could touch just one soul you could tell 

It's an Unseen thing It's what you bring and what they take 

make no mistake even if your fake each of you holds a small part of me 

holding on to what i see It's hard to find your hearts degree in the full scheme of things

I've been alone with these words for way too long and all i want is someone to smile at my song 

or maybe you might just sing along This can't be wrong....

IT CAN'T BE if i'm trying this hard but briefly my life seems bared 

gypsies dont do well behind stone walls but that freedom alone for me it calls....

It's an Unseen thing It's what you bring and what they take 

make no mistake even if your fake each of you holds a small part of me 

holding on to what i see It's hard to find your hearts degree in the full scheme of things

I wish there were haters for me to love because they bring opinions of I well thought of 

I guess i get nothing and all i need is a shove 

to get me from way down here to somewhere up above Someday ill be soaring singing like a dove 

What do i got to prove I'm being me  When I got so much of a history so just google it

It ain't no mystery: Buckingham case/Pocono Record. Press: it must be adore or more abhored

I made my choice and had no voice for close to 6 years 

i lived in inflicted fears and shed many thick tears

slammed many fix-it beers

Now somehow i wanna scream it out not just blurt it out but what it's all about 
not like it was done before 

close a window, open a door 
onto a new cold floor and maybe make this space just a bit more

It's an Unseen thing It's what you bring and what they take 

make no mistake even if your fake each of you holds a small part of me 

holding on to what i see It's hard to find your hearts degree in the full scheme of things

My "annual" Crazzzzy

About a year {and two weeks} ago this blog started to become this jumbled us ball of gibberish. My hair suddenly was pink and i made a quick jump in on a loony bin before being shipped off to arivaca. 

It is that time of year again when my hair turns pink... The wrong pink but whatever i can deal (Stupid L'oreal stopped making the pink I like). Although i don't think this time it  comes with craziness... although my spaziness is always here!!!  


Although I did quite drinking about 4 days ago... and got pasta to be my ramen alternate!! no MSG no RED40 not too much stress,,,, lets see wether or not i can force my body (thru kindness) into submission!!! 

easy

I'm taking it easy for a bit. I have no energy and yesterday seemed liked the longest day ever.

Its what you feel.

there's always a light at the end of the tunnel
not if your digging a hole
how can i feel so empty
if there is part of you in my soul
if my shovel was a tad bit sleeker
if I could shove just a little bit deeper


thats what happens when you move a mountain
and thats what i've been countin-
on and your moving to slow or moving to fast
I dont want something that cant last
but what do i know and what do i show? 
and how bout how i bask and never do i  really ask


but i think about you
expectually in my booze but how can i choose
between time and being true
whats thru is thru
who is news is news
Im just trying not to loose
or trying to confuse
attempting not to loose you thru these cues and dues 


....but the more i amend myself the more my world worsens....




"It makes me feel better than hitting my head with a shoe
i keep rolling the dice and idk why i loose
everything and its nothing it's broke
i put down everything and get nothing im broke...

this aint russian rullete
this is life and its A JOKE
 (something about sexy and dirty) "


-PRESTON

Live Note taking!!!!!!!

I'm not a guitarist or a bassists but i know that this was a combat of notes or chords and their eyes the strategists. sound combat. Tonight's Jam Session/ Practice/ Audition of ALWAYS ENSLAVED made me have a new appreciaction for metal or whatever that is that they play... how's that for vague journalism.... these guys rock
    murderholic....a perfect title for black death metal behemoth... do you think itds funny if think of that we're from a little town. expressing all kinds of genres... confussed when i asked them their genre... they know how to react with each other. others standing around smiling as the hit it "right on"... im not sure how to explain it better than lingo.

---

Preston joins in in the lobby of the ARTFARE building (also known as the Arizona Hotel)... I should start Representing them... This has now become a experimental swirl of music unknown to me except maybe some hard drugs and Jerry Garcia!!!!!!!!

---

21st Oct. the ROCK the battle of the bands

thru??

you say that im your only. you say that your just soley trying to just do you.
i can't figure you words out but to me your actions seem so true
i feel it when you hold, and you dont try to control me
and you always drag me back when i say im thru
but the people around me say your a mental screw
never to me i always go to you...

2007poems:??

falling thru the hole... the one that i can't see
seeing what can't possibly be me
No monsters, No blood, a horror just the same
to fall asleep tonight means I play this game
reliving the moment I knew not to love
seeing what all them see, all them up above
the angels, those eyes, the colors, the spite
if you only knew what i saw tonight
the demons, the blood, the fear i know now
i wish i could show you, i just don't know how

but im done

all i do is want. but hoping for something is all that i got.  its no kinda day without the dreaming. but what kinda of dream has this kind of meaning. And i know that dreams can be fleeting.... yet your not gone  you didn't disappear. your simply standing right over here. but you don't want to hear.... and i guess that you don't fear- at least not about loosing me. i cant seem to work out how this came to be. was it as good for you as it was for me? i think i know now it was one sided and im no warrior so I'm done trying to fight it. to prove my worth because i thought you were worthy. im too spazy im too nervy... you don't have to fix so don't you worry. im not broken but a bit bruised. It's something im quite used to. Plus im not see-thru. and those vices you see are yours shining thru. try to connivence myself that all i needed was your help. i don't need you close in fact i prefer you far. Ill idolize you like your some super star. you provided the art that was up to par. wanting you was worse than my man behind bars. So im walking away before my heart get more scars. Your never near, your closer to mars.  Off in your head, off in the clouds. I'd tell of my intent but i can't say it that loud. i can really say it at all. or throw you a text or give you a call. im just to scared that im your nothing at all. or even worse a cracked porcelain doll you took upon yourself to nurse back to health... maybe to prove you could still love. what ever the reason your still well thought of...


but im done

tear not tear.... 

lost poem=lost cause

we're only young once, twice, thrice times; thats our charms
wearing our emotions on our emotions on our arms
you think we havent the brains-
i'll let you think it. take no blames
going along following: me thinks it

what love from above or below
what love when hate we all show
what kindness; when blindness did find us
and not seeing is all we know

we are you once, twice and again
time holds nothing against our sin
where to start when your at the end
think of unbroken rules: how they can bend
not today but maybe tomorrow well send
for everyone's hearts together to blend